That's right! It's time to announce the results of Ye Olde Draft Lottery for the 2019 ARBA IOD! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
This is truly one of the most glorious traditions in ARBA and continues to be conducted through the most infallible methods devised by modern technology.
Cut up paper into the number of pieces needed to represent the lottery chances.
Write team abbreviations on the pieces of paper, in numbers corresponding to their designated odds.
This season we had a tie for 5th worst record, so 6 teams split 30 chances. Wow, that's even more exciting!
Carefully fold each little piece of paper to render them indistinguishable from each other.
Place pieces of paper into an approved draft lottery receptacle, which this year was a Houston Astros cap received as a free souvenir on a visit to the Juice Box.
Vigorously shuffle the pieces of paper within the cap, while holding it closed to prevent premature escape.
Draw a piece of paper from the cap and unfold it to reveal which team has won the top pick!
Draw another piece of paper from the cap and unfold to reveal which team has won the 2nd pick, discarding if that team has already been drawn.
Continue until the order has been fully determined.
Announce the picks to be received with joy for some and tears for others.
Okay, now that the process has been described in excruciating details, let's get to the results!
Picking 6th...
The West Chester Warriors (60-102)! They only had a 1 in 30 chance and did not get lucky.
Picking 5th...
The Phillipsburg Phillipians (57-105)! They had the 4th worst record with odds of 4 in 30, so this is a mild disappointment.
Picking 4th...
The Rome Umpires (43-119)! Oh no! They had ARBA's worst record and 10 in 30 odds, but got brutally shafted. At least they got the cash for 40+ wins.
Picking 3rd...
The Brooklyn Blow Monkeys! Wow! Despite facing 1 in 30 odds, they jumped over a couple teams in the lottery. Lucky Monkey-Boy!
Picking 2nd...
The Kansas City Sixx! They had the 3rd worst record and 6 in 30 odds, but jumped ahead of poor Rome.
Picking 1st...
Oh no!
You CANNOT be serious!
Anything but THAT!
This MUST not stand!
Why did I even agree to run Ye Olde Draft Lottery again?
Oh yeah, that's right. I'm an idiot!
The Terre Haute Explosion had the 2nd worst record and 8 in 30 odds, so jumping to 1st isn't a huge shock. However, giving the top pick to Tom is obviously both sick and wrong. We'll just have to hope that he massively screws it up somehow. Apologies in advance to whatever poor doomed kid he select.
Okay, that concludes today's Ye Olde Draft Lottery update. Please return to your regularly scheduled lives or something. Thinking up some trades to help my teams would be a nice way to spend your time.
I think that the amount of pain this caused you is an even better reward than getting the first pick! Thanks!!
TER looks forward to picking someone capable of joining such prestigious former early-first-round picks as Yohander Mendez, Lucas Harrell, Philip Humber, Zach Lee, and Bubba Starling!
